we've always referred ourselves as the 3rd parties in here- from day 1. Until i actually messed it up recently with my chinese entries.
from now on, i'm gonna write as myself. (aka S, ailing, sotongmei etc)
Well, its not as if anyone ever reads this anymore. Only a handful are aware of this blog. as far as i know, only he checks back here from time to time.
Feels a little shameful n guilty as i say this but, i know i don't frequent here or write in here as much as he would like me to.
I am actually writing here because I have so much so much to tell him. But I know he probably wouldnt see all these anytime soon, not for a long time i think.
I just wanna make my thoughts known to him.
Whether its now, or later or even never. But i have a very strong belief, that if i try really hard to connect to him, he would know and see all this.
As i write on and on here, he's on the plane flying from PEK to BKK. Let me flashback: ever since we got back tgt in late june, we've only seen each other less than 10 times(a very vague estimate), time spent tgt: less den 24 hrs(not counting the time we were slping). i think i can even say less than 12hrs.
He probably doesnt realize this, but he's more than a boyfriend, a lover to me. He's my confidante, my soulmate.
I used to tell him everything, and i still do. We used to talk about anything, but maybe not now. He doesnt tell me much anymore. And i know why, he admitted to me; he doesn't feel good telling me things anymore because i was nothing but negative and critical about everything.
It sets me wondering, for a long long time.
I realised, i was actually a sad sad person.
He's right. Before this, i was puzzled i didnt know why it seemed like he only talks about my shortcomings and the things that he thought i done wrong. i can't make right because i dare not believe i'm such a person.
I don't know wad caused it, what made me this way.
But i know for sure i won't be that same person anymore.
Not just a better girlfriend to him, but a better person on the whole.
How can i make all this right again?
How can i make all his worries and hurt go away?
How can i bring him out of this haunting nightmare, and us feel happiness and bliss all over again?
Thats all i wanna do. All i can think of.
I over-reacted on the ex issue again. If i recall correctly, he has spoken of her before.
Bad move in the sense, i made him think i have no trust in him.
I felt helpless, insecure, terrified. Already i feel him slipping out of my hands, him being so distant. Then i saw a rather intimate sms he sent her. It seemed like they've been close for a while. I had a very bad feeling.
I wanna slap myself.
For not being there for him. He needed a friend, a listening ear. How can i blame him for talking to a friend??
He jumped on me, totally flipped out. Infuriated that i percieved him as 'any other guy'. He said things that pierced through my heart like a stabbing knife.
I don't remember that last time i cried so much.
How did i ever made him feel that way without knowing?
I'm terribly sorry i made him feel he's forbidded to have any frens of the opposite sex, but i've grown out of that immature selfish adolescent mind already.
But he's the one i wanna tell everything to, and share everything with. I'll do anything for us, u know?
ps. i finally got arnd to finishing our 1 yr anni entry..
